Date: 3/11/2010
It's not easy being a video game character. Unless we're talking about a casual game with no discernable characters -- or perhaps a game where the only form of competition is seeing who can stay in bed the longest -- the folks that populate the fictional gaming world are often faced with difficult decisions and impossible tasks.
Truthfully, given the variety of hardships a video game character faces, it's likely that these heroes and villains could benefit from some quality time with a psychologist. There's certainly no shortage of video game characters that could use a visit from the local shrink, but the following six in particular would be a therapist's dream come true.
ASH KETCHUM (Pokémon)
It's easy to see how a Pokémon collector could develop a bit of a psychological complex with a tagline like "gotta catch 'em all." How can anybody possibly "catch 'em all" without suffering some serious mental stress? Ash Ketchum -- also known as Red in the Pokémon games -- shouldn't feel like his Pokémon catching hobby is inherently wrong, but the unshakable desire to collect each and every single pocket monster in existence is bound to drive him to the brink of insanity at some point.
BOWSER (Super Mario Bros.)
Regularly employed in the business of kidnapping princesses and attacking plumbers since 1985, the mischievous Bowser of the Super Mario Bros. franchise isn't exactly the nicest guy on the block, but should we be so quick as to judge him as evil? I don't think so. There must be some deep-rooted psychological damage dating back to Bowser's childhood -- after all, many turtles are notoriously abandoned in childhood before they get a chance to meet their mothers. I bet a therapist would tell you that Bowser's constant need to abduct Princess Peach is some sort of Oedipal reaction. That doesn't make him evil -- it just makes him sad.
CHRIS REDFIELD (Resident Evil)
If you thought that dealing with homework and paying bills was bad, you've clearly never been in the thick of a zombie outbreak. Former S.T.A.R.S. operative Chris Redfield has, unfortunately. He's seen some of his closest friends die at the flesh hungry hands of the undead. He's had people he trusted turn their backs on him in his greatest moments of need. Chris has traveled all the way from the United States to Africa and has had more monster encounters along the way than anybody should hope to experience in their lifetime. If police officers are forced into therapy every time they user their service weapon in the line of duty, then Chris could certainly use a trip or two himself.
CLOUD STRIFE (Final Fantasy VII)
Imagine going through your whole adult life fully committed to the idea that you are an elite soldier with genetic enhancements -- the best of the best -- only to find out that your entire existence is an elaborate lie that you convinced yourself of during a moment of extreme weakness. Such is the story of Cloud Strife, the sword-wielding mercenary at the center of Final Fantasy VII. Even after confronting this truth about himself, Cloud has plenty of attitude adjustments that need to be made. With the help of a good psychologist, Cloud's nebulous days would surely get sunnier.
SOLID SNAKE (Metal Gear Solid)
Like Cloud, Solid Snake has serious identity crises to resolve. His father is one of the most notorious terrorists of all time, but even worse, Snake himself isn't Big Boss's biological son -- instead, he's one of the villain's many genetic clones. On top of that, he has a pair of clone "brothers" that are just as ruthless and evil as the late Big Boss himself. Snake's inner turmoil manifests itself in the form of general grouchiness, incessant cigarette smoking and overall misanthropy, but perhaps all of his woes would go away with a series of sessions on a therapist's couch.
THE Z-TETRIMINO (Tetris)
What -- you really think that just because a tetrimino isn't a living organism, it doesn't have any feelings? Just try and imagine how you would feel if you were part of a large family of puzzle pieces and were the only member of that group that gamers universally loathed. The Z-Tetrimino is easily the most complicated and inconvenient of Tetris' many blocks, but what if that puzzle piece is capable of rational thought? How do you think it would feel if you cursed its very presence every time it appeared on the screen? Maybe next time you'll think twice before shaking your fist at the computer monitor upon the Z-Tetrimino's unhappy arrival.